reflections..

2007-12-09T20:59:00.000-08:00

A rather old one I wrote over a month ago..

I stand alone
I'm on my own
for all you've shown
I haven't grown

I still feel
I cannot heal
As I kneel
before your heal

I beg of you
Please be true
Can we be through
With all that's new?

I hope you lurk
Your mind at work
Laced with a smirk
Return to me

Retreat

2007-10-29T06:30:00.000-07:00

Halt, turn around, Go away
Happiness finally comes this way
I had waited long. I deserve.
I deserve security, compassion
Cast not upon it,
your tainted glare
Cast not upon it,
Do not dare
I'm almost there
I'm almost there

Hidden Texts

2007-10-21T10:46:00.000-07:00

I am an open book
With many secrets
To discover all,
you must read between the lines
You may not find what you like
You may not like what you find
Sometimes, it's better
To let the secrets remain
Let the story unfurl
When the time is right

The Bookmark

2007-09-30T12:05:00.000-07:00

Before me lies a book, open at a page. I cannot read the book further; not now. What will tomorrow bring? I cannot say.
What if things change? What if I find the ability and desire to pick up from where I left off? To complete the book?

Time has passed. Much has changed. I want to complete it, but the book was shut long ago. I cannot find the page.

That is why I must leave a bookmark. If tomorrow I should decide to pick the book up again, I will know from exactly where I should to continue.

With that, I can shut the book with a sense of security, knowing not what tomorrow brings, but simply that the bookmark will remain come what may and I, thus, have no reason to fear.

Goodbye

2007-09-28T08:11:00.000-07:00

I waited night and day
For a word from you
Never thought that next
When we spoke
All you'd say
Goodbye

And Even though I knew
A place for me I'd made
In the heart of you
I never thought I'd hear one day
That single word
Goodbye

Wouldn't I shed a single tear?
You have left me standing here
For all the time we spent together
One day, it's
Goodbye

And now that you have
gone afar
The loneliness creeps
into my heart
And all that I have
left of you
Goodbye

2007-09-28T07:13:00.001-07:00

You left me crying in my tears
Through no fault of your own
For you had told me from the start
But for your touch my love had grown
And now has come along the day
You leave me with nothing to say
to you
You leave me crying in the tears
of decay
And as I see you walk away
I hope our roads will cross some day

Left Behind..

2007-08-30T10:25:00.000-07:00

Keep walking down this road called life
Don't stop
Don't turn around
Don't wait for me
I shall find my way
Maybe we will meet someday
Or maybe things won't turn out fine
Failure was never crime
Keep on, head high
Be not consumed by
pity, duty, obligation
Do not linger
Do not heed
Don't stop
Don't turn around
Don't wait for me

clean slate

2007-07-14T11:26:00.000-07:00

The road has ended
I've lost my way
All thoughts are lost
Not much to say

Stolen moments
Times forgotten
All is changing
I'm empty

Is there any point
In carrying on?
When all I want is
to be gone

I have seen all that was
to be seen
All my dishes have been
wiped clean

Stolen moments
Times forgotten
All is changing
And I am empty

Would you care if all I
want is to sleep
There are no regrets
no tears to weep
But all I really want is
to sleep
Please don't wake me up
There's none left for me

I suffer; for you?

2007-07-07T10:59:00.000-07:00

Everything I wanted
I see it in your hands
Did I not deserve it?
I'd never understand

The time was never ripe
And everything was wrong
I did succeed in what I'd
wanted all along

Wasn't really everything but
it was my only dream
That I could ever realise
Or so I had it seem

All effort invested
it seems an utter waste
And all I'd ever cherished
has left a bitter taste

All your smiling faces
Oh, how it pains the heart
For all that I had worked for
You had right from the start

Now I am forgotten
And one day you will too
Yet I am without memories
For they all rest in you

Façade

2007-07-03T08:40:00.000-07:00

She gazed into the mirror. The reflection was far beyond recognition.
A pair of glasses abated the depth of her eyes, that were a tinted green and full of sorrow. Those that gazed back were grey and without passion.
Her flowing hair seemed wiry thin. She would tug at them but the wig would not shed. The sparse whites spoke of a ghastly truth of which she was in denial.
Her skin was dry and freckled. She would scratch away at it, hoping that it would peel off to reveal suppleness and delicacy. But she would only leave behind another white scar.
The dark hue beneath her eyes spoke of many sleepless nights. It gave her many more.
She pursed her lips. They were thin and dry, devoid of any life and colour. If she smiled, her visage would assume a look of haughtiness.
She turned away from her looking glass, and as she did, she buried the thought.
In her ignorance, she found strength to face the day ahead.

Liability?

2007-06-30T13:40:00.000-07:00

I am not
the baggage of your past
and don't make me
Though I may appear
to be lost at sea
You need not rescue me
I may seek what you have found
In celebration, abound
Seemingly so safe and sound
You may think I don't reign my sail
I don't think that I have failed
The waters mayn't be calm today
Nonetheless, I'll find a way
Discover promising lands
far away from your island
of complacency and temptation
Soon to be of degradation
Do not hold my hand
in sympathy
The time isn't right for me
On another day, we shall see
In different places, you and me.

Un Autre Été

2007-06-24T07:23:00.000-07:00

I hold my head up high
and gaze into the distance
lost in absent thought of
what the future would be
but the present is running by

the grass is still green,
the evening bright
the children joyful and merry
but time has passed
and I'm not a child anymore
no friends to be seen
home is empty and bare
so much has changed
we left some time ago,
and then he
he shall never come back
and will we?

lost are the days
lost is time
lost are all the memories
that we didn't hold on to
lost in a rhyme
and all that is left
are tears to wipe
lost is the laughter
so happy and young
weighed down not by
what tomorrow comes

pushed into a stream
that shall never rest
time had stood still once
but shall never again
if only we had known
if we had never grown
if time had never flown
if home was still home....

Zenith

2007-05-31T03:26:00.000-07:00

Time is on your side
Don't just let it go
Raise your sail up high
'fore the wind can blow

The ship is on the run
Basking in the sun,
she could be the one
You may never know

Music in the air,
Love could be out there
The oar is in your hand
If you choose to row

She looks you in the eye
Looks can never lie
The world is at a high
Time is on your side.

Final refuge

2007-05-11T20:45:00.000-07:00

Let me seek refuge in your arms. End my suffering, take away my grief.
You are the end.
Many fear you, but I respect.
Take from me my sins and my begrudges.
Wash away my impurity and all my insecurities.
Who I cannot love in spite of affection, let me forget.
Who I cannot hate, because of affection, let me forget.
Alone, we come into this world, and alone, we leave.
When we depart, who is there to grieve?
Nothing matters when all is said and done.
Suffering ends, for merriment lasted not long
Left humble and weak,
the comfort of your arms I seek.

Do unto others....

2007-05-01T20:01:00.000-07:00

You want to be better. To the extent that you're almost someone else. And you're almost there. Two steps further.
You take the first. The task is not simple, but you strive.
I'm watching you. I see through your attempts. You may succeed in your endeavour. Then again, you many not. I do not say anything. A silent spectator.
Tables turn.
I'm two steps away. I raise my foot to take the first. You're watching. You laugh and you jeer. You scream that I'll never get there. It's all a joke to you. But to me it's a turning point.
For once, I wish you would step into my shoes and I into yours.

Wallpaper

2007-04-28T07:30:00.000-07:00

He has something to say, but he won't say it. He doesn't like the sound of his own voice. Truth is, he never gives himself the chance to really hear it. He resents himself in every way.
He's standing with a group. He listens carefully to what they discuss. The topic is familiar. He is informed and he wishes to share. He forms an opinion, phrases it carefully in his mind and reviews it many times. He waits for a lapse. It comes. He speaks.
Too soft. No one heard. He dare not be louder for the fear of sounding foolish, too eager or too childish.
He flushes. The conversation revives, but the subjected has drifted. He is crestfallen.
He steps back, against the wall. He feels he belongs there. The wallpaper.

Inspiration

2007-04-25T13:10:00.000-07:00

When inspired, we create, we innovate, we accomplish but we need not struggle. Inspiration enables us to achieve feats we could never have imagined and without much effort.
What we do, we do with grace and elements of truth and originality.
Within a matter of minutes, we outshine what we had actualized in time.

Inspiration is a Khoi Bag. It is promising and indeed, the returns are manifold.

But it is momentary.
Once the bag is burst, its bounties have dispersed and all within reach has been gathered, all that is left is a void.

It is crippling.
Of what value is ordinary prey to a tiger that has tasted human blood? Of what worth is rum or whiskey to he who has tasted wine? Would a pauper who has experienced a palatial lifestyle, be able to love his humble home?

Inspiration creates you. It also destroys you.

Failure

2007-04-20T10:17:00.000-07:00

A lot has been said about failure. That it is essential t success. Is it?
How does it feel to fail at a task that you had always thought you'd win?
Does it motivate you to try harder? Or does it hold you down, discourage you? Even crush you?
What if there is no next time?

What if the marks the end of a journey that had only just begun and had promised to last.. but didn't?

It haunts you. Every day, every hour, every minute is a testimony to all that you had anticipated yet not accomplished. It crushes you from within, shattering your faith and confidence.
One always counts on a second chance. What if there isn't one?

Morning

2007-04-15T19:23:00.000-07:00

7'o' Clock in the morning. Everything is still. The world is asleep.
The sun has risen. Daylight streams in through the windows. The occasional bird glides across the sky. It appears to be the only sign of life.

The air is cool, almost deceptive of the heat that is anticipated. There is no blare of car-horns, loquacious folks, screeching buses. The only sound one hears is that of the speeding fan.
The leaves of the trees, too, do not move. Are they asleep too?

This is indeed amongst the better times of the day. When all are asleep, not much harm can be rendered to anyone. Everyone is at his or her best behaviour. Unconscious. Who knows how many hearts they shall break through the day? Presently, they are serene, for they rest.

I lie here, watching daylight stream through the windows, listening to the hum of the fan.
The world is asleep.

Good Ol' Days

2007-04-07T22:28:00.000-07:00

The air is devoid of apprehensions. As we ride away in a fast car, there is only mirth and elation.
Yesterday is of no significance. Tomorrow is not a concern.
The time is now.

Exams have been given. School is over. Our freedom cannot be contained. We have for ourselves an entire day and there is no schedule, no boundaries, few restrictions. Yet, not a second must be wasted.

It doesn't matter who all is present. We have with us them we treasure most. And we are all together. We are content.

A cup half full....

2007-04-07T22:20:00.000-07:00

I laugh.
There is no reason for cheer.
But then, there is none for sorrow.
I laugh not because there is reason to but for there is none, not to.
I laugh today for I know not what shall come tomorrow. The near future may hold occasions for celebration. Then again, it may be embalmed with desolation. The distant future is insignificant.. now.
For today, now, I have no concern. And thus, I laugh.

And then, the moment had passed.

Games people play..

2007-04-04T11:14:00.000-07:00

Why must people play games? Why do we speak in words so clear yet concealed?
Why can't we be honest and straightforward in the moment of truth?
What is this force that holds us back and compels us to reassess when the heart attempts to stride forward?
Why don't we seize the opportunity when it is presented to us on a silver tray?

In every triumph, there is an element of doubt. The heart is passionate and impulsive, but the mind is wary. This world and everything in it is not black and white but changes colour with time.
A butterfly sits on your fingertip and as you behold it, you admire its beauty. You thank your heavens for having sent it to you. It rests on your hand. It seems content. You feel a bond between it and you. The heart flutters. But the mind counsels you that it may leave any moment, and you cannot hold on to it, without damaging its wings or crushing it.
Indeed, the butterfly could return to another flower, or to its home. You are left behind, empty handed and disappointed.

words unspoken

2007-04-03T09:47:00.000-07:00

I know that you can see right through my disguise.
Hard as I might try, I cannot throw a veil over your eyes.
My words are a fabric, torn to pieces by your mind.
All that is tangled, it unwinds.
My thoughts, my deeds are naked to your sight,
be it during day or in the depth of the night.
Yet you speak not of it to me, and I know why.
But for you, I am a living lie.
Though I wish you'd reach out to me
through actions only I could see.
A manner of exchange so discreet,
yet our minds, our hearts, our souls would meet.
We would remain strangers even still,
but for paper, ink and quill.

.... for granted.

2007-04-03T09:24:00.000-07:00

I cannot understand you and your way.
What am I? An object of your attention? A toy?
Not a word for days that pass, and then suddenly, you call. You pretend that nothing has changed, and I believe it too. Laughter and joy, hope and faith. Not a concern in the world.
Soon you shall leave again, as you always do. And I am left, groping in the dark.
It had been long and the wound had healed. I had learnt to live with the loneliness and emptiness. And then you called, filling up the void that shall soon return.
Do you not see what it does to me?
I cannot understand you and your way.

Victim

2007-04-03T09:18:00.000-07:00

They suggest. Your instinct warns you. You decline.
They persist, you decline.
A few hours go by. Your words carry no meaning. They still persist. Their word has finality. You give in.
The task is falliable. Your mind is uncertain, your heart is perturbed. You protest, a last attempt. They ignore.
A special day, ends a disaster. They soon forget. They move on. You are left behind to suffer the consequences, to gather the pieces.
For them, it was an incident. For you it was a shattering experience. It haunts your mind for weeks to come. It persists.
The losses are grave. All must be borne by you.
You resent them. It doesn't make matters any better. There is no solace.
Your heart is wounded. Your mind is scarred. You are a victim.
But they move on, and you are left behind, gathering the pieces.

Merry moments

2007-03-31T23:23:00.000-07:00

They come along when least expected.. You smile, you laugh, you sing with joy. All is well, all's forgiven. A burden lifted, a heartache subsides.
No sooner had you begun to enjoy, the moment comes to an end.
The laughter dies, the merriment ends.
The moment is past. Will it return? Maybe, but not soon.
All that is left is a smile on your face. It keeps you going for some time.
Then, the smile fades.
And you yearn for another....

Bitter.

2007-03-30T10:33:00.000-07:00

No joy left in life. All that one could look forward to now appears to be routine and obligatory.
Nothing can bring a smile upon the face.
The past seems glorious, the future bleak, the heart is heavy, mind is weak.
Concerns are aggravated, yet the bitterness doesn't let you worry. It frustrates.
There is no scope for victory, only motivation for revenge. One envies every other, even those who are pitiable.
Everything around you is normal, you are simply.... bitter.

Good Listeners

2007-03-25T23:57:00.000-07:00

It is said that there are 2 contrasting sorts of people. Those who take pleasure in speaking endlessly of themselves, the ego-centric, and those who are good listeners. Who would rather listen.
I disagree.
There are, of course, those who consider themselves to be the centre of the world. And then, there are those who are simply too shy or embarrassed to speak of themselves. The latter leave themselves with no option but to listen, unless one encourages them to speak.
If there truly exists one who prefers to listen with interest and without any egoistical motivation, that is no ordinary person.

Emotionless....

2007-03-25T23:51:00.000-07:00

How empty it feels inside to be absolutely emotionless..
One loses all joy in all that he cherishes, yet there is no sorrow.
There is no room for creativity. One loses his talent, even if temporary, and his ability to create art. One feels aimless and useless. But that is neither a moment of freedom, nor regret.
One loses his tensions, but there is no relief. One loses all fear, but there is no courage. No confidence.
Only emptiness.

Greener Pastures

2007-03-25T02:45:00.000-07:00

What we want most in life or even at a point in time seems beyond grasp, and we are afraid to reach out for it lest our efforts fall short, circumstances do not permit or the time isn't right.. and we fall back empty-handed and in utmost disappointment.
If we do succeed in attaining what we wanted, we learn how well within reach it was all along. Or worse, it wasn't what we had thought it to be all along.

....only, different.

2007-03-25T02:31:00.000-07:00

Often I find myself in awe of how there is a pattern followed around us that we cannot seem to violate.
When we develop within our minds a notion of how a forthcoming event is likely to proceed, what results is far different from what we had conceived. Not necessarily better or worse, only different.

Initiation

2007-03-25T01:36:00.000-07:00

A thought..
A drop of wisdom.... Once said, may be lost forever....
Many of us in conversation speak certain words that cross our mind in the heat of the moment, thoughts, that bear profound meaning. And then, we forget. Lost forever, never to be repeated.

Is it the law of nature? Are such passing thoughts simply meant to die? Or can they be written down and shared with the world? Thoughts that belong to regular people, you and me....

I explore.